Mentoring vs Enabling Your Kids

As parents, we want our children to have more than we did, with a lot less struggle, but by making the road too easy for our children, we rob them of the skills and confidence they develop by rising to a challenge. 

That is why it is so important to understand the difference between mentoring vs enabling your kids. That way, we can help our children become resilient and resourceful adults. 

Am I enabling my child?

It is such a good question to ask because it is only by discovering the answer that you can start making changes. Here are a few more questions to explore to reveal whether you are enabling your kids:

• Do you make decisions for your child that they could make for themselves?
• Do you complete tasks for them, like homework or chores?
• Have you clearly stated your expectations of their behavior?
• Do you allow them to blame others or make excuses for poor behavior or performance?
• Is your child disrespectful when they don’t get their way?

There are many reasons we might choose enabling behavior. As mentioned above, wanting a better life for them is one; fear of conflict, cultural reasons, and a sense of responsibility are a few more. 

Self-awareness and understanding why you might be engaging in enabling behavior will help you as you make the change from enabler to mentor.

How to stop enabling and start mentoring your kids.

Once you realize you have a habit of enabling your child, you may want to explore how to set boundaries. Boundaries state what you will and will not tolerate, which helps you set expectations.  

We all need to know what is expected of us if we want to grow and become a positive contributor in society. This is why it is vitally important to be clear about your expectations, especially with your children, which will also help you as you navigate enabling vs mentoring behavior. 

After you have clearly set expectations, and before you make decisions or take actions regarding your kids, ask yourself, “Is this empowering or disempowering for my child?” to ensure you are not enabling them.

It’s a simple question that can give you quick clarity. 

Finally, to step fully into your role as a mentor, look for ways you can actively empower your kids. Try things like: 

• Letting them decide their course of action (if the child is young, give them two options)

• Asking them for their ideas and solutions to a problem
• Helping them understand their areas of responsibility
• Teaching them how taking accountability for their actions makes them powerful

Any time you can allow your child to face a challenge and encourage them to find a solution, you are entering into more of a mentor/mentee relationship. Be there for guidance but let them do it for themselves. 

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By letting them navigate their way through a challenge or figure out how to get what they want without you giving it directly to them, you deliver the message that you trust them and you believe they are capable – which in itself is a HUGE confidence booster! And when they accomplish what they set out to do, their confidence increases even further because they learn through their experience how capable they really are. 

Financial literacy for children and mentoring financial decisions.

Money can be a highly charged subject in some families, especially when there is debt to deal with. That can have us, as parents, shutting down our children’s desires by saying, “We can’t afford that.” 

Part of a healthy financial journey and developing greater financial literacy, is teaching ourselves and our children to turn that sentence around and ask instead, “How can we afford that?”

When you ask your kids this question, you might be very surprised at the creative ideas they come up with to get what they want. I’ve seen kids decide to sell toys or old clothing, set up lemonade stands, do yard work for neighbors, become tutors, and even develop their own products or write their own books to sell! Developing an entrepreneurial mindset in your children can serve them well throughout their lives. 

Children can do many wonderful things! When you move from enabling to mentoring your kids, you will help them develop their abilities, increase their determination, and bring some fabulous things to life!

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